Feelin' Good

Wow, for the first time in a very long time I feel pretty damn good.  I'm not sure what made this come about, but I suspect it's due to a number of different things.  The weather has been getting sunnier and more Spring-like, slowly but surely.  Ryker smiles, coos, and reaches mini milestones each day that make me happy and grateful.  I'm also thankful for the phone call from his Opthamologist this morning letting me know that he was able to "pull some strings" and get Ryker in to the Pediatric Opthamologist at PCMC/Moran Eye Center this Wednesday!!  Amber's passing ultimately left me with a feeling of peace and like I had one more angel on my side up there.  Lastly, I'm finally starting to feel like me again, and that's giving me hope in areas of my life (and inside of me) that I thought might be dead.

Springtime makes me happy.  It's the precursor to Summer, which is tied with Autum for my favorite season (I can never seem to settle on which one is my all-time fave).  The sun is coming up earlier each morning and the air is getting a certain scent to it that brings back memories clear back from my childhood.  These are memories of making lion and lamb art in Elementary School, riding my bike in the rain (and trying not to run over any earthworms), picking out a kite at King's for kite day at school (or just to fly with my dad and brother), and enjoying Easter candy. 

Ryker, of course, makes me extremely happy.  *sigh*  Lately, he's all about grabbling things and putting things in his mouth (go figure), including his toes.  LOL!  He seems to really enjoy grabbing each foot, with each hand and either practice rolling from side to side this way, or putting whichever set of toes he finds first in his mouth.  I'm quite impressed by my little contortionist!  He's also cooing and exercising his voice like crazy these days.  There's always at least 2 "Jam Sesssions" for Ryker and his vocal chords each day where he makes all sorts of shreiks, squeals, raspberries, and miscellaneous jibberish sounds.  It seems to entertain him just as much as it entertains me and I love it!  He's currently going through a MAJOR growth spurt, eating 8 ounces at about half of his feedings, as if he isn't big enough already.  LOL!  Me and Grandma gave him a haircut Saturday morning so he no longer has a semi-Donald Trump-like combover on the sides, and so I could style his top hair into a faux hawk again.  It immediately made him look older.  :)

So this morning, as I mentioned above, the Opthamologist I took Ryker into was able to get his appointment moved up to this Wednesday, the 10th and I did a little dance in my car when I heard his voicemail telling me so.  I'm SO RELIEVED and so, so grateful that we didn't have to wait 'til the end of April.  In fact, we don't really have to wait at all to get going on some answers!  I can't help but feel like we had a little angel on our side for this.

Which brings me to Amber.  I haven't fully dealt with her passing because of everything else that I've been trying to juggle lately.  However, one thing I have let myself feel is the utter peace and happiness that I believe she's experiencing now.  Most people who know me know that I'm not particularly religious, but I am very spiritual in my own way.  A friend once termed it "Agnostic-Theist" because I don't attach myself to any one religious belief, but I do believe that there IS something out there so I'm not Athiest.  So, I'll go with it if it helps me explain it to others.  Suffice to say, I believe in an afterlife and I believe that Amber is there, helping the people she loves so much.  I think she's been helping my whole family out in many ways and that she's been here recently for me and Ryker - the baby cousin she never got to meet here on Earth.  It may sound naive or silly to others who don't hold the same beliefs.  It may even sound like my brain's way of coping with things and finding ways to deal with her passing, along with all the other stresses I've been dealing with.  Maybe it is.  What do I really know anyway?  In any case, I'm feeling better and more positive about things and that's all that matters.

That brings me to feeling like myself again.  It's been almost a year since I started to shut down certain parts of myself in attempt to keep as much pain and craziness at bay as possible.  I NEEDED to do it to stay as collected as possible...for me, for my family and, most of all, for Ryker.  I have been so guarded ever since that there were times I wasn't sure if there was a "core self" left.  I had a few friends and family members remark on how much I've changed...some remarks were good, others weren't necessarily bad, but just different.  I was different.  I still am different, but I'm finding pieces of me that I locked away for "safe keeping," which tells me I'm starting to become more and more ready to let down some guards.  This feels exciting to me and I hope it lasts. 

I was in the grocery store today before work, picking up some food for work lunches, and it struck me how many couples I saw holding hands as they shopped together.  The next thing that struck me is how I didn't feel put off, sickened, depressed, or cynical about them.  That's not like the Alexis I know!  I actually felt sentimental and somewhat elated because I knew that meant that my feelings about getting into another relationship again aren't dead.  I honestly thought that part of me was broken, possibly irreparably, no matter how hard I tried to fight against it.  I guess some feelings just have to grow back in their own time.  Now, don't get me wrong, I was also a little blue because it's something I don't have and haven't had for a long time.  It's also something I still don't plan on having for awhile, but at least there was a spark of excitement inside of me at the prospect of it.

So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty good today.  More than that, I'm feeling the most optimistic I've felt in a long time.  That makes me so, very thankful.  I'm thankful for my family always trying to keep my spirits up and urging me to stay strong and be positive.  I'm thankful for you, my friends, who have been there for me in ways I never expected or imagined.  I'm thankful for my totally rad little man, Ryker, who has been my rock and biggest reason to fight against the depression and keep moving forward.  And I'm thankful for that unseen force that gives such amazing gifts like my family, friends, and Ryker.  Now I'm going to try my damnedest to keep this momentum going and keep on appreciating everything I've got in my life.  I just hope the people I love will be so lucky too.  :)