Damnit!

Okay, I know it's been about 6 months or so since I blogged.  It started out as unintentional, just getting too caught up in the last part of my pregnancy with too many preparations and too much drama.  Then, it became something I was weary of.  As irrational as it may sound, I was convinced that 2009 was a cursed year and I decided not to blog 'til 2010.  There's not really any good evidence to support my theory that 2009 was actually cursed, just many crappy things happening to many people I know.  It's not to say good things didn't happen.  They did, but I think there was much more craziness and sadness. 

As far as 2010 is going, it's more stressful than dramatic, really.  I don't know if I was naively hoping that the clock would strike midnight and all the clouds that have been engulfing me for over a year would suddenly part; and that beautiful sunlight would slowly descend, eagerly wrapping me up in comforing light, and everything would just magically get fixed.  I don't think I really was hoping that.  I guess, though, I was hoping for relief.

Well damnit!  How many times have I told myself that I can't just hope.  I was working so hard at the end of the year to learn how to be a mom, to take care of Ryker the best way I could, to keep calling the hospital about my bills, to get all the info together that I needed to get government assistance, to try not to completely fall off the face of the planet and stay in contact with friends, to not get overwhelmed and lose it because Dan wasn't helping me at all...to just keep going forward.  I guess I just hoped that 2010 would give me relief.  And it started to, bit by bit.  The work I'd been doing was starting to pay off here and there and I found myself getting more optimistic and less anxious and stressed.

And then...damnit!  Last night Dan tells me he's getting laid off.  Seriously?!  I mean, God.  The one thing, the ONE thing, I thought I could count on is Dan helping me financially.  Granted, I was beginning to learn that I had to ask him for money.  I don't think I should have to.  Ryker is his child too and I was getting $50 paychecks while I was out on Maternity Leave, but apparently Dan thought I was doing okay or something (WTF?!).  As soon as he realized that, one way or another, he needed to help, I thought he would do it.  I thought he'd finally man up to being a father at least financially.  Then, BLAM, he crashes his car into a curb.  That damned POS car!  I've NEVER known anyone in my life who has put more money into a car.  It's a total money-suck and he should have gotten rid of it ages ago when it got broken into and cost him, I believe Dan said, over $12,000 in damages.  You're thinking, oh well he probably has a deductible.  And you'd be right...a $1000 deductible.  Yes, a cool grand and you'd think that'd make his car payments relatively low.  No, not for a sports car like his.  When he purchased the car (brand new, right of the lot, btw), he told me the payments were twice as much as his Subaru.  So, we're talking about car payments over $500.  And now, at the beginning of the month he had to spend another $1000 in repairs for crashing it into a curb.  Seriously?!  In the span of a year, Dan has spent - at the very least - $2000 on that stupid car.  It's like the thing that wouldn't die.  And Dan won't give it up.  I'll be surprised if he gives it up even after being laid off.  I bet he'll give me some sob story about how finances are rough for HIM and that he can't give me anything.  Yet, I'm sure he'll find a way to keep that damn car.  Damnit!

So, after all of that, would any logical person say I'm wrong in coming to the conclusion that Dan's priorities are all mixed up?  I mean, he can put over $2000 into a car, but can't help support his own son?!  Ever since Ryker's been born, I've gotten $250 from Dan, which I had to ask Dan for.  Other than that, Dan has bought him a few packages of diapers and some Christmas gifts.  Whoop-de-doo! 

So, rather than wait for the sky to clear up completely, I'm resuming blogging and I'll tell ya what.  I am NOT going to always sugar-coat things or hide feelings.  I'm sick of being afraid all of the time.  I'm sick of the fear not even being completely rational.  I mean, seriously, I'm afraid to be completely open - as if Dan would find out.  And so what if he did?!  I'm sick of being afraid of Dan - the douche!  Who is he to bully me and make me so afraid to even ask him for money, which he NEEDS to help out with?  The fear is debilitating and just makes me view Dan in the worst light and dislike myself for not demanding what me and Ryker both deserve. 

This is where I was as last night.  I WAS going to ask Dan to help out, despite his recent repairs on his car.  And then he drops the bomb on me that he's getting laid off.  F**king damnit!  WTF was I supposed to say to that?  "Oh I'm sorry you're jobless come the end of the month.  Where's my f***king child support, you douche-bag?"?  I KNOW he owes me for part of October, all of November, and now January, but what kind of response could I have expected?  I certainly knew better than to expect him to tell me he had any money for me, or thought that he would anytime soon.  It was more likely to end up in an argument and I'm NOT going to argue with him while Ryker's in the room.  Besides, I've got a case with ORS, so I'll just have to leave it up to them.

Still...damnit!  Dan HAD to have known things were getting bad.  I certainly hope he has a back-up plan, and that it's a good one!  I know better than to get my hopes up about Dan anymore though.  God, it's so depressing.  I've been the only responsible parent for Ryker and that kills me.  He deserves so much better.  He deserves the world.  And yet Dan won't give up a car he couldn't even afford when he had a job.  Yeah...he boss was making the car payments - or so he told me anyway.  Seriously?  You've got a kid now!  When my parents divorced, I remember my dad got a second job, sold his car and got a champagne-colored, I don't even know what kind of car it was except that it looked straight out of the late-70s, and got a very modest apartment just so he could provide for us and help my mom out.  Now THAT'S a father...THAT'S a man...and, DAMNIT, the kind of man Dan will probably never be.  >:(

I don't care about whether or not this blog is a downer anymore.  My counselor told me that I tend to put others ahead of me way more often than I need to.  We're all adults here, and I need to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to make everyone else in my life comfortable all of the time.  If you don't like my rants, fine, don't read my blog.  If Dan or any of his friends or family find my blog and resent what I have to say about him, fine.  YOU weren't there, YOU didn't go through what I've gone through, and if you don't like my view of Dan then maybe you can knock some sense into him.  I'm done trying to work with him.  I'm through giving him chance after chance to man up.  Enough is enough.