ISFJ

So, a couple of months back, a friend of mine introduced me to the MBTI assessment.  It's pretty much a little questionnaire about your personality which, based on your answers, assigns you to one of 16 different personality types.  These personality types are based on psychologist Carl Jung's theories of psychological types.  I've been to a few different sites, taking this personality test, and every single time I come out with the same result: ISFJ

After finding my type out, I Googled it and found several different websites that gave me a wealth of information about it.  In consideration of time, mine and yours, I'll just post the links to my 3 favorite sites' descriptions of an ISFJ type of person:

• Personalitypage.com: Portrait of an ISFJ - This website gives a pretty accurate portrayal of my type and it also provides links for suggested ISFJ careers, relationship, and personal growth.
• Typelogic.com: ISFJ - This website also gives a pretty accurate description of my type, and then breaks down each letter, or aspect, below the description.  It also lists famous ISFJs and lists what sort of relationship and ISFJ would have with other types, which I found rather interesting.
• Kiersey.com: Guardian - Portrait of the Protector - This website takes the Myers-Briggs Types and categorizes the 16 into 4 different groups, based on the KTS, or Kiersey Temperament Sorter.  It's a slightly different take on the types, and it also includes famous ISFJs, careers, relationships, and education for each type.

So, anyway, after careful analysis of lots of information on an ISFJ personality type, I came to some realizations about myself.  First of all, I like who I am and I like that I'm such a hard-working, caring, and giving person.  However, I don't like that my hard work and giving nature gets easily taken advantage of and that, since I try to avoid conflicts, I can be a bit of a door mat.  I am a trepidatious person by nature and, now that I'm seeing how my anxieties and worries hold me back, I'm trying to overcome some of them - namely, my more irrational ones.  I'm not just going to work on the part of me who goes to great lengths, many times to my own detriment, in order to avoid conflicts.  I'm also going to work on not getting taken advantage of.

I'll admit, I'm terrible at putting my foot down.  I think that, because of this, when I actually HAVE put my foot down in the past - it's been horribly received.  That just perpetuates the my fear of putting my foot down, even when I have every right.  My theory is that people just get used to flexible, amicable Alexis; and when Alexis decides that enough is enough, it's hard for others to understand or accept.  I think they were just banking on me going along with what they want.  I know this happened many, many times with Dan.  That just made it all the easier for him to be rigid and not compromise because he figured that, sooner or later, I would.  Similar situations have occurred with family, friends, and previous relationships as well.

So, I can't 100% blame these people for their responses to me standing up for myself, as strange as that may sound.  I mean, whenever Dan would just be ridiculously selfish about something and never bend an inch, many people in my life would rush to put all the blame on him.  Well, it's not like he shouldn't carry most of the blame.  After all, we're all illedgedly intelligent, adult beings who should know how to compromise and know better than to take advantage of someone else's nature for our own selfish reasons.  So, I'd still assign over 90% of the blame onto Dan in such situations.  However, it's not that there isn't a chance that I caused some of those behaviors.

I say this because I look at how some of the other people in my life behave - especially when they've hurt or disappointed me because I just expected more from them.  Sure, they probably could have thought about their actions more and how they would affect me, but also, if I've been so understanding and flexible in the past, wouldn't it make it easier to just not think about letting me down.  After all, if I could understand and get over it in the past, couldn't I just understand and get over it now too?  Well, I may strive to understand the people in my life and be flexible to their wants and needs but, damnit, I have wants and needs too and they are just as important to me as other peoples' are to them. 

So, rather than just grunt and moan and keep it all inside (mainly to avoid conflict, which further exacerbates things - go figure), I'm going to work on voicing it when someone lets me down or hurts my feelings.  I've only been able to effectively do that when the other person is a receptive one.  Someone who isn't receptive regarding the criticism that they've hurt or disappointed someone else shouldn't stop me from doing it altogether though.  It just means that THEY'VE got the issue and, rather than dwell on other peoples' issues, I should say my piece and get on with my own life.

It's going to be a challenge to balance things out, since I think it's very important to try to understand others and be flexible with their needs.  However, I just need to remember that my needs are important too.  If I'm getting stressed out over something that shouldn't be a big deal, then I'm likely thinking TOO much about the other person or doing too much to appease them, and I need to put my foot down and/or communicate my concerns with them.  I also need to remind myself that, in doing so, anyone who really cares about me will have to try to be understanding and flexible as well.  And, if ever someone disregards my feelings and I make them aware of it and they can't take hearing it, well too damned bad.  Part of being an important person in my life is being considerate of my feelings, just as I try very hard to be considerate of theirs.