For Things to be Different

This post is going to be more of a ramble or rant, I suppose. There won't be any colorful pictures or any attempts at clever jokes. There probably won't be any attempts at any sort of jokes at all, in fact. This post is just to get thoughts and feelings I've been having lately out there. I will stick to my blog theme of cravings, hence the title "For Things to be Different," because that's probably the most relevant "craving" I've had for a while now.

It's probably no secret to any of you that my pregnancy was unplanned and it probably couldn't have come at worse timing. Well, I guess there COULD have been worse timing, but I doubt it. Dan and I broke up at the beginning of this year. Actually, Dan dumped me (again) and I practically grovelled at his feet to work things out with me. Did we argue when we were together? Of course...but no more than any other couple I know and definitely not to the point of breakup. No, there are far deeper issues that brought Dan to breaking up with me, regardless of his promises to give it everything he had, "do whatever it takes," or even just to give it more than 3 or 4 months. The issues that led Dan to break up with me are probably far deeper and complicated than I'll ever know. They may possibly be even deeper and more complicated than Dan will ever know since he refuses to deal with them.

Well, enough about the breakup. So, I found out 2 days before Valentine's Day that I was pregnant. Dan and I were in the midst of an agreement to casually date so, if for nothing else, I could have the closure I needed after so many rollercoasters with him. Basically, if we dated for a month and still there was no foreseeable future, then I'd be okay with that. At least I'd feel like he compromised with me on something, rather than hitting me with a bomb out of nowhere, which is Dan's usual style....not talking about things...just breaking things off with me not having much clue that it was even NEAR that point.

So I found out and Dan said that he'd support whatever decision I made. The following 2 weeks didn't really speak of much support from him while I was trying to decide. He made it clear that if it were up to him, he'd get an abortion. So, we argued a lot during that time. He pretty much said that if I kept the baby, I'd be unable to give it a good quality of life as I couldn't even support myself. He also said he might move to California in the middle of the summer and that, even if he didn't, he'd be working so much at his current job that he wouldn't be able to help me much, etc. etc. All of this spelled out "I DO NOT WANT THIS AND WON'T BE THERE FOR YOU IF YOU DO THIS." Mind you, I'm not claiming to know what was going on in Dan's head. This is just my personal interpretation of things. On top of all of it, Dan broke our agreement - the ONE thing that could have helped build my trust in him the most. Dan's notorious for flaking out and being wishy-washy. I just wanted ONE thing that he promised to finish ACTUALLY get finished. One. To make matters worse, after I made my decision to keep the baby, he started becoming suspicious that I actually planned to get pregnant! He'd say things like "I just think it's funny timing that shortly after we break up, YOU get pregnant." WTF?!! Oh yes, because I actually think he's grown up enough to handle having a baby and am stupid enough to believe that getting pregnant would make things better between us, rather than worse! Give me a break! I was TERRIFIED to tell Dan about my home pregnancy test result because I knew he'd be immature about the whole thing and handle it poorly. And boy was I right!

This was about a month ago and I could hardly speak to him during the last week of February. I was so overwhelmed with pain, grief, anger, and hopelessness. After a few days of hardly talking to one another, Dan finally wanted to talk. The night before I left for New York he finally apologized and PROMISED that he'd be there for me and said he wanted to work on things between us because he didn't want stress and distance while I was pregnant or while we tried to raise a child together. I didn't tell him about the utter lack of confidence I had in his words and "promises" until I came back from New York. Even after I returned home, I found it hard to talk to Dan. He gets so oversensitive about criticism sometimes that it's almost less stressful to suffer in silence than it is to try to talk to him. Most of the time, I don't feel like he actually listens and takes in what I have to say as he still falls back on doing whatever he wants to do, regardless of how much it hurts me or drives a wedge between us. He just doesn't seem to "get it."

Well, I eventually did tell Dan that his words are just words and I can't rely on them. He said he knew that and that he knew that I was probably just waiting for him to bail. Well, that was one of those rare circumstances when Dan was ACTUALLY empathetic enough to relate to what I was feeling. It was true...still is, actually. I AM waiting for him to just bail out in one way or another. It seems inevitable, really. Dan's notorious for doing 180's, so why wouldn't he do one this time around? Well, Dan went on to say that he just wants a chance to prove that he'll be there for me and listen to me and he knows that the only way I'll believe him is in time and he continued efforts.

That brings me to the present. Do I feel like he's here for me? No. Do I think he's going to help me much with the baby? Not really. Do I feel like he's been listening to me and giving a real effort to solidify a positive friendship/relationship with me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. He's been the same inconsistent, self-involved, stubborn Dan I've known for awhile now. He was doing so well...WE were doing so well when he was in counseling. I felt like he actually cared about my feelings and tried to put himself in my shoes. Ever since he stopped going, however, I've seen a gradual regression back to his old ways.

He plays EverQuest or Warhammer EVERY night now. How is that NOT distancing me from him? I told him a couple days ago how scared I am to show him any sort of affection because he almost always rejects it. Then, just Tuesday, when I felt sick, I asked him for a hug...a hug. And he said "I don't want to get sick," but reluctantly hugged me anyway. HOW is acting that way solidifying anything positive between us? The only thing he's solidifying now is how little I can actually rely on him, how his word means nothing, how he's full of empty promises, how he'll never grow up, and how alone I really am.

So, what do I crave the most right now? Well, I have all the support in the world from my family and wonderful friends - so much that I feel amazingly lucky and blessed. I crave something more though. I crave for Dan to REALLY want to work with me on creating a positive bond - not a negative one...like he seems only capable of. Maybe I'm asking too much. I don't think I am. I mean, he IS the father of my child. I crave for Dan to be consistent and to actually COMMIT to something meaningful. I crave the feeling of not being alone, of having Dan to turn to on rough days, of being able to hug him and not be constantly afraid of rejection - no matter how small the degree. I crave peace and peace of mind, for that matter, that he WILL be there to help out after the baby is born. I crave excitement, as opposed to almost feeling like it's being smothered out of me by Dan's ambivalence.

I just want things to be different. I hate this cloud of hopelessness that hangs over me these days. I'm at my wit's end. I've tried and tried to get Dan to understand how I feel and what I'm going through. Nothing is getting through. He just seems to do the exact opposite of what I need and it feels like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. It ends up hurting me more than it gets through to him. So, what's the point anymore? I wish I knew how to get through to him, but I don't. He won't listen to me and I hate where things may be headed because of it.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
~ Albert Einstein.