Planetary Collisions

I've been meaning to post a blog about Easter and my little Bugglesworth, and how he's almost mastered the art of sitting up on his own, but I've found myself ("lost" is probably the more appropriate term) feeling discombobulated and apprehensive lately.  I feel like my galaxy is spinning every which way but normal, and all the chaos is leading up to a planetary collision.  I've thought about it and I know the reasons for these feelings, but it doesn't make the anxiety go away.

First off, Dan's still fighting the diagnosis.  Ryker's been diagnosed by pretty much 3 doctors already, and now even has photos of the backs of his eyes, showing underdeveloped Optic Nerves.  Yet Dan STILL wants an opinion from a Neuro-Opthamologist.  I don't know what he expects to get out of it, but I'm NOT taking Ryker into one of those doctors to get his eyes dialated for a FOURTH time.  That little guy's been through enough already and he doesn't need to go through more just to have his diagnosis confirmed, yet again.  Dan's such a retardedly stubborn and selfish ass!  Even worse than that though is that, over the weekend, Dan got served with a summons to do a paternity test.  He was none too thrilled with getting a summons of any sort.  He called me and I explained that it's standard practice for ORS.  Besides, it's free if I don't decline getting the test done and then they'd be required to contact the office of Vital Statistics to put Dan's name on Ryker's birth certificate.  That way, Dan and I don't have to pay to get his name put on it. 

After he heard that, he was all for it (of course).  Anything that serves Dan, Dan is always totally up for.  I also told him that I was told that if I decline having it done, but he questions he paternity at a later time and we want to get a test done then, I/he/we would have to pay for it.  So, it's all pros in my eyes (except for maybe having Dan's name on Ryker's birth certificate).  Dan told me what ORS determined is his child support payment.  I don't know how they figured it out, but I'm pretty sure Dan's hiding his earnings.  Either that, or they're just going off of his unemployment amount since, according to him, he's "unemployed."  Me and my lawyer, however, are going to ask for more because we're basing the amount on his past 2 years' tax returns.
 

This is where planetary collisions come in to the picture.  I KNOW that Dan isn't going to want to pay more.  Why would he?  Why would any man?  It's something fathers all over the country are unhappy about - mostly because they can't control the fact that they have to pay their exes AND, more importantly, they can't control what their ex does with their child support payment.  I'm not out for all I can get, but I do want what's fair and, believe me, the amount ORS allegedly determined is NOT fair at all.  I'm sure, though, that Dan is/has been trying to find ways to pay as little as possible.  I mean, he STILL hasn't been helping out financially AT ALL. So, I'm contacting my attorney and going to try to get the paperwork completed and sent to Dan's attorney as soon as possible.  Then, I'm going to have to find the time to do some major meditating and building of my spiritual, mental, and emotional defenses as Dan is extremely likely to verbally attack me.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I'm still struggling with so much resentment.  I'm not a grudge-holding person by nature.  I feel partly lost because of this.  I hate that I feel so panicky every time I see Dan's number calling me on my phone.  I hate feeling like Dan fights with what I want just to be obstinate...just because it's in his nature to defy whatever he can.  I hate that Dan isn't even remotely the kind of father Ryker deserves and that I'm doing all of the hard work, while Dan is being a deadbeat and only playing the fatherly roles that he feels like playing instead of being strong enough to help out the way a real man should.

I won't give up.  I won't give in.  There's still massive light in my galaxy and not all of the planets in my solar system are off-course.  I've got an amazing network of friends and family...my blazing comets, my celestial spirits, who fly by right when I need them, as if by chance.  But I know better.  There is a divine reason for everything and I know I'm lucky to have these people in my life, supporting me during times like these.  Just last night, for instance; I was feeling so angry, so afraid, and so lost.  My friend, Cole, called me to make sure I was alright and just that one call, that 20 minute conversation, revived my spirit enough to trek on.

So, I'm ending this post with a shout-out to all of my intergalactic energies, who lend me their light to help me smother the deepest, dark corners of space.  Thanks Mom, for picking me up whenever I'm feeling weak, for taking care of Ryker whenever I've been too drained, for the pep talks and the immense amount of support you've given me this past year.  Thanks Cole, for checking in on me last night.  I know you're battling your own demons so it was really awesome of you to check out of your own motel of craziness, and check into mine for a bit.  Thanks James, for chatting with me online a little bit last night, and for inviting me out this weekend.  Sorry, again, I can't make it.  Thanks Colby, for Drive-In night Saturday.  It was nice to have a silly, sisterly night.  Thanks Jaxon, for making me smile with your awesome sense of humor and your sweet words.  I hope you're having an absolutely amazing time on your retreat, and I can't wait 'til you get back so we can resume our chats and I can hear all about your time in Australia. 

Thanks Nisi, for always being there for me - during my pregnancy, during my heartaches immediately following Ryker's birth, and just in general.  You are a rare and precious friend and I'm so happy that your life has been turning around so positively lately.  Thanks Mike, for being there for me during the holidays.  It was nice to become closer friends again and to vent with each other for those few months.  I hope your life is going much more positively.  Thanks Laura and Dawn, for helping me with my somewhat over-the-top Halloween Shower.  And also thanks Laura, for being such a rock for me over the last couple of years with all the Dan crap and my pregnancy, and just everything.  I'm so happy for you and Ryan that you've got a little monster on his way soon.  Ryker and I can't wait to meet him.  Thanks to all my other friends and family members who make small efforts each day.  I find that sometimes even the tiniest talks or experiences with you make all the difference.  And lastly, but certainly not least, thanks to that higher power - whoever/whatever you are, and all of your angels.  I find warmth, comfort, and strength in your presence...even if it takes me awhile at times to find you.