I'll Take Forgetting All My Pains for $1000, Alex

Okay, so back to my "cravings," which STILL haven't manifested in the form of food yearnings, I bring you the thoughts and ramblings I've had floating around in my mind as of this morning. I was waiting for the Frontrunner train this morning and was feeling blue. Waiting for the train is just about as common these days for me as feeling blue, though I assure you the "blue-ness" is not hormone-related. I suddenly recalled a movie I haven't seen in at least a year, but I always really liked it and meant to buy it. As for my intentions to buy it anytime soon goes, well THAT would probably mean that a huge lapse in judgement has taken place and I'd be on my way to major depression. The movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it stars Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, and for anyone who has seen this film I'm sure you can understand why it wouldn't be the best idea for me (or anyone dealing with the painful AND good memories of a relationship or friendship gone awry) to watch it right now. For those of you who haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it if you're in a pretty good mood. I won't spoil the movie by telling you everything about it, just the things about it that relate to this blog entry.

I always found the concept of going to a company, like Lacuna Inc. from the movie, to erase certain memories from your mind interesting. I think it would be quite helpful for victims of abuse or traumatic events, though the movie focuses mainly on removing memories from a broken relationship so the clients can move on, not carrying the baggage of the relationship around with them. I remember thinking, after I first saw the movie, that there's no way I'd ever get that done...if it were an option anyway. I've always been intensely sentimental and have clung to my most cherished memories for comfort, and even held onto bad memories in attempt to learn something from those experiences. Well, I realized this morning that the time has come when I no longer see just one side of this scenario. I guess there are some times in life when even good memories cause so much pain, anquish, and rage that the idea of getting rid of such memories is the best thing you can think of.

Despite my posting habits, I honestly try to hide most of what I go through on a daily basis from my friends and family. I do this for several reasons. I don't want to spread negative vibes around, I don't want to worry or stress anyone else out, and I don't want to focus on those feelings too often because it can be a fine line between dealing with them and letting them suck you in and bring you down. I've been battling that line, it seems, ever since this year began. This morning I just felt sick and tired of that battle and wished nothing more than to have the root of such feelings exterminated. I figure, if I don't remember the good times, the promises made and the excitement & hope those promises gave me for our future together, and every fun and happy memory in between, then the painful memories wouldn't hurt so much. I wouldn't have to battle the anger and the pain of every promise that meant anything to me being crushed, and the stinging inside of me when I realize that that means my feelings don't really matter to the person who can so easily break his word. That just brings the anger and rage; and it's just a cycle that I'm sick of battling. I'm not getting any help from this person who supposedly wants to be my friend. I get no relief, no comfort...nothing. I don't even see him as a friend anymore. A friend wouldn't toss your feelings aside so callously, over and over again, for their own selfish reasons. That's a dictator, thank you very much. Not a friend.

Anyway, I need to catch myself before going off on a very long rant. I just wish I could erase all those memories...the good and the bad, and go back to before we ever became more than friends. At this point, I honestly think that would be the best way we could work together as parents. I've been trying to be strong and trying to deal with all of this completely alone for so long and it hasn't gotten any better. I've just been pushing the feelings away, distracting myself, healing wounds that keep reopening in order to survive...for my baby's sake. But what's going to happen after he's born? If I could forget everything...wake up being pregnant with a friend's baby and not have to remember how it happened and all the pain between us before and after getting pregnant, then I could move forward. If only that were an option. *sigh*

I'm going to try and close this entry with something a little brighter because I really don't like having weepy-sounding, negative blog posts. Before I get into that though, I'm just going to add that, although I plan to bring these feelings up to Dan (yet AGAIN), I don't expect that anything will come of it. Why should I? Nothing ever came of it before. No...I still expect to feel alone, unsupported, low on the totem pole, and that our baby is second-rate to him. Dan hasn't done much to express anything otherwise and I've learned that it's better to expect the least of him and not be let down, than to continue to view him as optimistically as I used to and continually be disappointed. Now for the good stuff...I get ANOTHER ultrasound! Woo hoo! I didn't think I would because the University Medical Center pretty much does ultrasounds for diagnostic purposes and whatnot, but my doctor told me last Friday that the tech who did my 20-week ultrasound caught pretty much everything except one of the chambers of the heart. So, they want me to get another just to make sure. I get it done next Monday and I'm SUPER excited to see how he's grown!

Oh, and another thing, I know I've been saying how I'm going to post a picture of me and my Buddha belly one of these days, well I'm not lying. I've got pics from the past few weeks that I've just been slacking on posting and I promise I will post them soon! :)