All Over The Place

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I intend to blog about it, but I haven't uploaded any photos or videos onto my computer yet, so it's just gonna have to wait.  Besides, I kind of left a tiny cliff-hanger with my last entry. 

So, I feel like I'm all over the place lately...especially today.  For the most part, it's not a bad thing, just annoying.  It seems like I'm always playing catch-up; and not just with my blog.  There are so many things I need to work on, start, finish, or even just begin to address and I'm having a hard time making more "me" time...especially on a day like to day.  It's drizzly and there's a sweet, fresh smell in the air.  Remember my post about kissing in the rain?  Uhhh...yeah.  It's not like I'm craving to just run around rampant, looking for a good-looking stranger to kiss in the rain.  Though, the thought crossed my imagination, which lent me a good chuckle this morning.  In general, I'd settle for playing hookie and meeting a friend at a local cafe or coffee shop for some green tea and good conversation.  The Oasis Cafe sounds particularly appealing right now.  I think, mainly, because of Golden Braid Books being connected next door.  I love that place. 

It's been two weeks since I broke down.  All-in-all, I'm doing much better since getting on some meds.  I'm feeling stronger, more balanced, and more hopeful.  I don't attribute it to the meds entirely since I'm pretty sure the Sertraline (generic for Zoloft) hasn't kicked in yet, and I only use the Lorazepam when I'm having a high-anxiety day (which is pretty much whenever I have to spent more than an hour with Dan).  I think it's mostly me just coaching myself through everything.  Dan was none too thrilled about me rejecting his lowball offer of child support in exchange for getting to claim Ryker on this year's taxes.  It was a bum deal, really.  He tried to promise me that when he got back on his feet financially, he'd file paperwork with Utah Courts to up the support amount.  Damn him and his dark-side-of-the-force mind tricks.  He almost had be convinced TWICE.  Then, my awesome family and friends talked some sense into me and told me what I already knew.  He's probably lying.  Besides, Dan's financial woes are HIS, not mine and Ryker's.  It's unfair for him to expect us to compensate for them.

He tried to scare me by mentioning going to court, but then I countered that with mentioning that he didn't claim the rent he gets from his house on his 2008 taxes.  In typical Dan form, he played dumb and acted like it was his accountant's fault and that's why he got a new accountant for 2009.  Whatever, Dan.  So, I'm going to try to get the paperwork complete today and have my attorney send it to his.  They will, of course, counter-offer, but I expect it will be at the rate I orginally offered Dan.  I may just take it to be done with things.  We'll see.

Anyway, the rain, the stress, Ryker's increasing smiles, spending time with family and friends, the events over the past year...all of it is building and expanding inside of me.  So many feelings...so many cravings.  I'm all over the place and, while I've got it under control presently, I suspect I'll need a release when all the legal stuff is over with and Dan has finally moved.  I'm thinking of having a get-together with friends, but I may just opt to spend more time with a select few and cry my eyes out to relieve what's been building inside for awhile now. 

I feel it coming...that surge of ecstacy, almost at my fingertips.  It's hard to wait for.  I've been swimming in a sea of desires for so long it feels like I'm running out of air just before surfacing.  It feels like being in solitary confinement for ages, knowing you'll be released any day, and all you want to do is touch someone.  I want that.