I Apologize in Advance...

If this turns into a rant.

Okay, this time I seriously haven't been slacking on posting. Last week something entirely unexpected came up and I've been diverting most of my "time alone" attention to figuring my future out. I welcome any suggestions or ideas, by the way, as I'm uber-stressed.

Anyway, Dan told me a week ago that we HAVE to move out by the end of May. He said he can't afford his own bills AND the bills of our apartment together anymore and may have to file bankruptcy. The only way he even MIGHT avoid that is if we move out ASAP. So, we put in our Intent to Vacate Form the very next morning and I called in sick to work, feeling mortified and pretty much every other negative emotion imaginable.

Oh, so another part of this is that Dan wants us to find separate places to live. I have mixed feelings about this because, on one hand getting away from Dan is probably a good thing. I devote WAY too much of my time and attention to doing things for him and working on our "friendship" and I don't feel I get the same amount of time and attention back. On the other hand though, Dan is insistent that I stay with either set of parents. This bothers me for several reasons. One is that my parents live pretty far away so when are we ever going to spend any time together? Another is that the ONE thing Dan was providing to me was financial help in the form of him paying more rent than me, all utilities, and buying groceries. He may have rarely given me the emotional support I've needed, but at least he was giving me something. What's he going to be doing for me now? Also, when I told him that if I HAVE to crash at one of my parents' places, they prefer it be temporary. He got all sorts of annoyed and started in on my parents like they weren't being very supportive of my situation, being pregnant and all. Ummmm...am I on glue or wasn't DAN the one who got me pregnant? Yeah...so shouldn't DAN be the one helping support me and NOT my parents? If I'm off base here, please someone let me know!

So, I'm kind of at an impasse. I'm not trying to convince him to find a place with me. That would be an exercise in futility since listening to others and compromising aren't exactly his strong points. Besides, as I said before, it's probably better that I get away from him for awhile. I've been struggling with whether or not to try being friends with him though. I honestly feel that, with his bomb-dropping nature and empty promises, I normally wouldn't keep him as a friend. Trust, consistency, reliability, and stability are characterisitics I look for in a friend; and if the only thing keeping me trying for a friendship is the fact that I'm carrying his baby, then what's the point...especially if he's hardly ever going to be spending time with me, giving me the reassurance and support I need during my pregnancy? He's no longer going to be providing any financial support either so, again, what's the point?

Furthermore, he didn't even want this baby in the first place. Every time I've asked him about it, he just says "Well, we're past that point now." He doesn't ever say he's decided he DOES want this baby or even seem the least bit excited about it. He just worries about his wages getting garnished if I get government support. So WHY is he even sticking around? I told him that if he didn't want to be involved I wouldn't go after him in child support and, since I probably don't qualify for Medicaid anyway, I wouldn't go after government aide that would get his wages garnished. His money doesn't matter to me anyway. I just see how he's starting to act, being somewhat controlling over things already, and I just know he's going to make raising this baby a complete nightmare for me. WHY should I be the one to always bend and compromise? I'm sick of it. I've always been the one to do it. When Dan HAS compromised it's been on small things or short-lived compromises. I just feel like it'd be better if he weren't involved at all.

Now, I hope no one is jumping to any conclusions here. I'm not the kind of person to bar him from his child or use the child against him. That's not fair to the child, never solves anything, and only makes things worse. I won't do that, but I don't know HOW to make things better. At least, not without Dan doing some MAJOR changing, and I've lost all faith in him regarding that.'

So, basically, I actually have about 2 weeks to move and will probably be temporarily moving to my mom's until this one place downtown that offers low-income rent opens up (IF it ever has an opening). Still...it's going to be hard. It's nothing that I can't weather, it's just going to feel alienating. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if my parents lived closer to SLC. Dan wants me to live with my parents for as long as possible. Go figure. I mean, if they're helping me out financially, then he wouldn't have to, right? I swear, he just doesn't want to grow up. He has no problem trying to tell me what to do in regards to this baby and my pregnancy, but he has major problems doing anything himself. Ugh, okay...been ranting [sorry (again)].

So, if anyone has any ideas about what I can do to solve this little conundrum, I'm all ears. How can you get through to someone who just keeps building his walls thicker? Should I cut my losses and call the whole "friendship" off? Should I keep trying, possibly in vain, for the sake of my child? Should I leave the ball in Dan's court and make him prove he'll be there for us? Ugh...I need a nap.